My Heart Catheterization - A Moving Experience
Posted: Wednesday, July 15, 2009
by Charles "Catfish" Pole
As we baby boomers age, we are often faced with an onslaught of medical tests and procedures. They run the gamut from minor to major, from head to toe, and from our outer epidermis to the inner regions of the heart.
I don't have to provide a detailed description of the gowns worn during these activities, nor how self-conscious the patient might feel. Our emotions may range from feeling a little uncomfortable to experiencing downright full embarrassment. For the medical professionals involved, however, it's just a routine day on the job.
And then I replied without hesitation, "Please put me out immediately."
On another occasion during the same medical procedure, I was asked, "How have you been, Mr. Pole? This is Corey's mom." My reply was the same. "Please put me to sleep now."
Last week I was admitted to a local hospital as an out-patient for my second heart catheterization, and I fully expected to experience another inadvertent humiliation. I wasn't expecting to be so moved by the experience, though.
Sure enough, the RN walked into the prep room and I recognized her friendly smile at once. Her name was Karen and I had taught her life science many years ago when she was in junior high school. She recognized me and my wife right away and I was somewhat surprised that she remembered my class well. She recalled a few incidents that had taken place and astonished me when she remembered where she sat in that classroom over 30 years ago. I was moved by her recollections and felt proud, too, that she had obviously learned her early life science and anatomy lessons well.
Professionally, with a great bedside manner, she reassured me regarding what to expect in the lab, also reminding me that most of the attendees there were males and that I shouldn't feel too uncomfortable with their presence. Meanwhile, I wrestled with that God-forsaken hospital gown which no doubt was designed by some French maid with porno film production experience. Victoria's Secret is seriously missing the boat with that design. "Why don't they just give me a bib?" I asked myself.
I was transported to the cath lab where I was greeted by Clarissa. It took only a fraction of a second to realize that Karen was mistaken. Clarissa was not a male. The fact is that Clarissa was drop-dead gorgeous. She possessed a beautiful smile, awesome eyes, and a great tan. She was also blessed with a cordial personality. She commented on my tan and then said in a true professional manner, "I'm going to shave your groin."
Although my anxious 57-year-old mind was preoccupied with the upcoming lab procedure, remember I am a normal male heterosexual, too. To quote George Costanza from two old episodes of Seinfeld, "I think it moved." No, not to the full extent it could have moved, but I think I did sense a small re-adjustment in position. Fortunately, this prep did not last long, and I was whisked into the cath procedure room where I asked for, and was given, a mild sedative to help me fly through the modus operandi. (Modus Operandi - Latin for receiving a groin incision while donning a mini hospital gown previously owned by John Holmes)
With the course of action complete, I was taken back to Clarissa where she applied "15 minutes of constant pressure" with her hands on my groin in the area where the incision had taken place. I want to note that Clarissa was totally professional in every way as she carried out her medical assignment. This was just another day on the job for her, but for me, it was not a routine occurrence by any stretch of the imagination. Although still a little groggy from the sedative, I am not positive, but I believe I may have been somewhat moved once again.
Drifting in and out of consciousness, but mostly remaining asleep, the 15 minutes seemed more like a 30-second time span.
Later, Karen once again checked the incission area to make sure there was no bleeding or swelling. Hence, possible movement number three may have taken place.
It dawned on me the next day or so that it is probably well-designed by nature that old geezers like me are more likely to undergo procedures like a heart cath. If young male patients had to go through this kind of episode, they may be further moved by the whole ordeal thus potentially causing huge medical ramifications. Well, maybe the ramifications wouldn't be huge, but larger than the norm.
Today, I am happy the catheterization is over and done with, at least for this time around. I am also elated that the procedure discovered no new woes to worry over. The preparation alone caused this guy to suffer with enough anxiety to last a long while.
Regarding medical professionals like Dottie, Corey's mom, Karen, and Clarissa, I have nothing but respect for the work you do. I admire you for your professionalism and I salute you in your daily routine. Most patients will concur that you don't get paid nearly enough for your toil.
I am now so moved that I feel the need to search the bathroom medicine cabinet to locate my tube of hydrocortisone ointment. My shaved incision area is no longer sensitive, but it is becoming rather itchy.
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More commentsBeautiful tale, Charles. This is one of those stories that I'll chuckle over for days... and probably think about during my next medical procedure. Perhaps next time, instead of Clarissa, you'll have Nurse Ratched taking a peek, and you'll have to tell us about THAT 'moving' experience. Glad for the happy ending. All the best. Sharon in PA
Thanks for your comments Sharon, but honestly the Nurse Ratched comment has me lost. Remember, I'm getting old. Catfish Chuck
Good article catfish, I enjoyed reading it very much.
Dear Mr. Catfish: Great article. Great fish in photo. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. Marty RicKard
Marty, thanks for your note. If I can bring a smile to someone, that's great. If I can make them laugh out loud, that's really awesome. Glad you enjoyed the story. I tried getting in touch with you today, using the phone number you have posted on-line. I got your voice mail. Please use the contact info next to my name, and drop me an email. It's important that I get in touch with you. I could use your expertise. Charles "Catfish" Pole
Oh my gosh Charles, you had me in 'stitches', tears running down my face. You tell a great story! I understand your pain, my husband is a high school teacher. How's your experience been in restaurants with students? My husband ordered a pizza over the phone and when he went to pick it up, the student, whom it turned out he had suspended that day, handed him the pizza and said "Hello, Mr. Popsickle, I made this 'special' for you. I wouldn't eat a bite of it, nor would I let our children. My husband determined not to let the student win, ate it, the whole while wondering what had been done to it to make it 'special' for him. Let's just say he didn't enjoy it much. :)
Brianna, thanks for your comments. Yes, students or former students handling anything from icecream cones and pizza to changing car tires have cost me some anxiety. One of my most memorable happenings took place when I bumped into a former male student while shopping. I joked with him by asking, "When did they let you out of jail?" And then he replied, "Last week." And it was true. Sometimes it's just better to say hi.
I laughed to myself the whole way through the story, but then howled out loud at your "salute" to the nurses and their professionalism. Cute story.
This is to funny, oh my goodness, I can't imagine being a male and having that happen to me, luckily being a female I don't have that...ummmm...slight movement thing going on. I remember being a volunteer at a hospital here approx 10 years ago, and there was an old man in bed, actually he was a neighbour I grew up around and he was friends with my grandfather, anyways, he was about 97 at the time a really old man on his last days of life and his eyes were closed and he was barely alive, but low and behold that his MR. Downbelow was not near death....LOL too funny....He never knew I was in his room and when I noticed him like that and that he was trying to relieve himself, I left the room....snickering to myself....and he passed away about 3 days after that. So I guess it never gives up does it....
Well, lets hope not. Thanks for your note. Catfish Charlie
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